“It’s Been A Long, Long Time”

Several months ago I discovered Harry James’s rendition of “It’s been a long, long time.” The song begins with a lovely cacophony of instruments; trumpets call out, and drums tap in the background, building with anticipation. Eventually, Kitty Kallen starts to sing. Her voice invites us back to another era, and she harks, “there’s so much I feel that I should say.” And that’s exactly how I feel. In what seems like decades since I last posted, the entire world has changed (though grand, perhaps not an exaggeration). The world has been thrown into the depths of a global pandemic, my last year of college came and went, I battled through countless bouts of depression and seemingly endless episodes of severe anxiety, and I lived in Utah for a month with my brother. Although these are just some of the quote-on-quote major events that have taken place in my life, etched into the nooks and crannies of every moment are smaller stories–some filled with unbridled joy, others with gripping sadness. So without further ado, here’s a bit of a life update/advice/fun memory that encapsulates what I’ve experienced since I last posted.

I think it’s best to begin with the large, sickly elephant in the room. After departing to Washington D.C. for Spring Break in March 2020, I remember waking up to a series of news alerts and a missed call from my parents. I don’t recall the exact headline, but the New York Times reported that a contagious virus had emerged in China. I briefly skimmed over the article (…something about a lockdown…military presence in the streets…US-funded research lab…) and continued about my day as if nothing were going to change. As we all know, that was one of the last “normal” moments for a long time.

All at once, Wake Forest had extended Spring Break for another week to create a “game plan” for the rest of the semester. The coronavirus had made its way to the United States, and colleges wanted to take immediate precautions to ensure its staff and students were safe. Of course, I celebrated the extra week off and spent the time with my aunt and uncle in rural North Carolina. I had no idea I wouldn’t be allowed back to campus for almost three months.

Looking back, I don’t remember much of what happened next. Wake canceled the rest of the in-person semester, and all academics turned virtual. We weren’t allowed to return to campus to collect our things, so I lived in the clothes I’d packed for a 4-day trip to Washington, D.C. My brother was unceremoniously sent home from Harvard, and told that he needed to pack up and leave in the span of 48 hours. Just like that, the world was on standby, waiting for any sliver of information that would shed some light on what we were all experiencing.

Now, it’s unfair for me to say that COVID was horrible for me. I think a better word is “hard”. I’m incredibly lucky that no one in my immediate family nor any of my close friends were killed or seriously impacted by the virus. I was able to spend more time with my family, and my aunt’s property is situated on an abandoned golf course, so there was no shortage of fresh air and outdoor space.

But it’s also not fair to say that COVID was easy. From the beginning, like so many, my mental health took a blow. The unknowns about the virus gave me moderate anxiety and the lack of social connection with friends made me feel isolated and cold. For a time, it was all manageable. I was able to get through the rest of the Spring 2020 semester, and the promise of summer meant that I could go home and decompress by the sea.

SUMMER 2020

It would be a lie if I said that my summer was eventful in any way. I started studying for the LSAT, so most afternoons I either spend studying in my room or working at my mom’s office. I actually enjoyed the mind games sections of the test, and felt like the practice was keeping my brain sharp. Other than that, I went to the beach from Thurs-Sun, and took the time to hang out with my parents and brother.

By the end of the summer, my family was tired of one another. The smallest question or an insignificant favor would set one of us off, and we would go to our respective spaces to cool off. In hindsight, however, I miss that summer desperately. That was the first time my family was together since I was a senior in high school. And for every fight or disagreement, there were twice as many moments of laughter and joy. I didn’t know it at the time, but the fall semester would be the hardest time of my life, and I like to think that the bliss of Summer 2020 kept me floating long enough to seek out help.

FALL 2020

There are so many high expectations for senior year of college. As the ‘big fish’ at the school, you’re enjoying every moment on campus, all while savoring every football game, party, and social event. You’re supposed to start looking for jobs and gear up for life outside of academia. It’s supposed to be a time of pure excitement, and a series of events you’ll cherish forever.

Lets just say that from the beginning the expectations were a bit different. For one, there was no welcome wagon to greet anyone when they moved in. Wake was extremely strict (for good reason) about moving students in as quickly as possible to limit exposure. My aunt and cousin helped me move my things in and then she was on her way. I will say that my living situation was quite nice; I was in a townhouse with three other girls. We had our own bathrooms and a massive kitchen/living room on the bottom floor. I lived upstairs with two girls and our fourth roommate lived downstairs (more on that later). So although all of my classes were online, at least I enjoyed my living space and had plenty of room.

Two of the girls I was living with were introduced to me through a mutual friend, but I had only ever met them via Zoom. It was a bit awkward for the first couple of weeks, but we became comfortable with one another as time went on (also more on that later).

As for my classes, they were all virtual, so I didn’t need to get many supplies for school. I’ll just get straight to the point—I absolutely hated online school. Loathed even. The lack of connection with my peers, the enormous amounts of work (the most I’ve ever had), and the threat of the virus made virtual classes a truly horrible experience. In the beginning, I wanted to blame Wake. But looking back, they were just playing the cards they were dealt, and I don’t know if there’s anything the school could have done to make the experience any more bearable.

Almost from the beginning my anxiety was at a high level. The work from school, the lack of social connection, and the reality that these were my last few months of college hit me all at once, and I fell. I fell hard. I began compulsively checking my pulse, convinced that my heart wasn’t beating fast enough. Every twitch, flutter, cough, sneeze, and numbness became a terminal diagnosis, or a COVID symptom. I felt like I was losing control of myself. For a time, I was having panic attacks twice a week. What a truly debilitating experience. I would crawl into bed and literally convince myself that my soul was leaving my body. My arms and legs would go numb and my heart would feel like it was about to explode. I never had suicidal ideations, but there was a point where I thought the anxiety wouldn’t ever stop, and I became incredibly hopeless.

I lost weight as a result of the anxiety. I could barely keep food down, and didn’t have the energy to exercise. I cut myself off from my friends and invested all of my time into school work. Thankfully, my grades didn’t suffer, but looking back, I would have sacrificed anything to make the anxiety stop.

I wish I could say that my experience made me stronger and more resilient. But in truth, I would not wish what I went through on anyone. Feeling out of control, and telling yourself that the pain and stress won’t go away, is one of the most heartbreakingly monstrous feelings. Perhaps I am a stronger person, but I wouldn’t say that getting to where I am now was worth the suffering.

As with any story, there is of course some silver lining. And for me, that silver lining would be those two random girls I decided to live with. To do them justice through writing seems like an impossible challenge. They became my family, my best friends, my home away from home, and my constant source of happiness. We bonded over our shared love of fantasy, and our shared roommate struggles. We laughed and cried together, and made it through the Fall semester by leaning on one another. In my view, they made the pandemic worth it, and there’s truly nothing I wouldn’t do to ensure that they’re in my life forever.

TO BE CONTINUED

I’m going to stop here for now. I hope this insight was both illuminating and honest. If you can relate to anything I’ve written, please remember that you’re not alone. Your life matters and what you contribute to the world is important. Until next time (aka, Part Two).

-Sam To Somewhere

Share: